I’ve had this blog for several years now. Time to “hang up my boots.” It’s not easy blogging and then it’s harder to share it with the world. Its even harder sharing it with people that I know (something which I rarely do,) letting someone read what i’ve written opens me up to being vulnerable. Nobody likes showing their vulnerable side.
Initially the blog was started to be made into a book. It was supposed to be fun and happy however life isn’t always linear and it’s turned into something that’s a mixture of feelings, the good the bad and the ugly.
I’m no longer going to make it into a book, it’s going to stay here as it is. Only being viewed by people who stumble upon it accidentally. It’s probably not a good idea but I may send it to the person who inspired me to start this, the person who the book was supposed to be for. We’ll see over he weekend. I don’t think its right to send it to her. We’ll see if there is a sign, a good or bad omen to dissuade me. I’ll update you on Monday with I did or didn’t do. Any of the readers have any suggestions?
This blog has been sitting in my drafts for a while, how long I don’t know. It seems like I wasn’t in a good place when I wrote this. Reading through this again, i’m having trouble understanding it myself. I’ll try not to make too many changes but even i’m struggling with this one. Note to self, don’t leave drafts for too long. Oh and which holiday i’m referring to I have no idea. True to the name of this blog some ramblings which remind me of times gone.
The holiday is done and I’ve got no consolation from it. What is life? Just forget me in the echoes like a distant memory that I am. I say that i’ll never go, go back… we are the masters of our own destiny. We do good, we do bad, we fall down and we get back up. I’ve tried to to stabilize myself for you. We had our destiny in our hands. What did we do?
We did what we were sacred of, listen to our families.
It’s been a while A while since I could let someone else in. I haven’t but I understand and know why.
We’re all Human and we bleed the same. If you love this person and they love you. Love should triumph above all. If like me, you had someone that meant so much to you, make sure that you don’t make those mistakes again or make them suffer for the mistakes of others. At the end of the day we all want to come home to someone that cares about us. We want someone that understands us and wants to share their love with us and for us to return the same.
This ain’t a 1 way relationship. There’s two parties who love each other very deeply.
My problem is I love without acknowledgement. I loved what I saw. And that was more than enough for me.
It doesn’t matter what I buy you or where I take you, without you it’s all meaningless. If I don’t see that smile I saw when I was with you. Then all this means nothing.
We went through a lot. We discovered each other. We lost each other.
Okay, so that was a roller coaster for me, all I can say that it was written within a year. Not sure how to put what I am thinking in to words right now after reading and editing that. The pain and sorrow that I was going through when I wrote this is a fraction of what it is now. I never want to be back there again. The pain will fade over time but the memories will be there forever. As you’ve read, my mind was all over the place. The original title of this blog was “Holiday Over,” What I meant by that I have no idea. Our feelings change day to day, no two days are the same for anyone regardless of how repetitive you think your life maybe.
My birthdays coming up soon, and a friend of mine asked me what my dream was? What she meant was what I wanted for my birthday, I’m not one for gifts or material possessions, I’m pretty sentimental. For Christmas a couple of years ago I got a pair of socks with pizza slices on them and I wore them until they had holes coming out of everywhere possible (I love pizza if you haven’t guessed.) She asked me a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been racking my brain ever since.
I’ve loved creative writing since a young age and I get lost in my own thoughts most of the time, forever making up stories and scenarios. I’m sure everyone else does the same? I wrote short stories at school and ever since I’ve started my blogs I’ve wanted to write more stories or be a professional blogger. One can dream.
What I want to be able to do is to have some time and go to a creative writing course and then have time to write. To be able to pull out the ideas that I have in my head and get them on paper. It’s only a dream though, I’m not smart enough to actually get paid for it and make a living of.
Who knows maybe when I retire, I can finally start putting pen to paper. #WatchThisSpace in 50 years time.
Am I actually being honest with myself though, nope. Is this actually a dream of mine? No, my actual dream I’m not ready to share.
So… This is the first day of my summer. Although officially it hasn’t started, it has in the calendar of “Mo.” Summer is happiness, time for challenges, time for upheaval, time for change and ofcourse time for fun.
What I’ve come to realise is I am very mature and immature at the same time. Depending on who you are and your views on me, I’ll adapt to that but that’s not always the case. If I’m happy and calm around you I can relax and I don’t need to put up this facade. Which leads onto me getting lost when I cant control myself. Back to what I was saying earlier… maybe I’m more immature than my age commands.
Again another contradiction, I have 3 nephews and most weekends I take them out for the day. Their ages range from 2-5 and as demanding, stubborn and troublesome as they are I can keep them happy. I personally don’t have children of my own but I see them as mine, they’re my boys, I love them as much as their fathers.
Nonetheless I’m off to Mallorca now, missed the first flight because I got held up. Rearranged the flight and now I have to wait a couple of hours for the next one. What I’ve come to realise is I don’t like flying alone. Due to my vertigo I cant relax, I cant sleep and I can’t wait out the flight without grabbing a strangers hand.
This time again I’m alone, I’ll survive. I’m off to see my baby niece Sofia 😍
At work last week I came across this quote which was written on the blurb of the book. It’s very similar to a quote that i’ve written about previously, perfect imperfections. It resonated with me and stood out.
Don’t let your past define you and hold you back, keep moving forward.
I’m not blogging as much as I used to, it doesn’t mean I don’t write anymore. I do sometimes but i’m not always comfortable sharing. I’m at a different place in my life at the moment, one that is significantly different to a couple of months ago.
Going away on Wednesday, i’ll try and keep a holiday blog but the last one didn’t go well. I started it but then got carried away with other things. Summer is just round the corner, can’t wait!
To prevent my mind straying into negativity and pondering what should have been, I like to keep myself as busy as possible. One thing I love doing is travelling, whether that be alone or with others.
Time to get planning. I never finish one holiday before having at least the next one planned. Currently Crete in Greece is booked for my birthday. Amsterdam is in the works in July for a stag do, and no it won’t be a messy one compared to last year’s stag in Magaluf. It’s going to be chilled, sightseeing and lots of photography. I won’t be doing any snapping though, I don’t have the “eye” for a good picture. My friends on the other hand are photography fanatics and use any opportunity to get a picture or 10. Need to go to Slovakia for a wedding in September. We also need to start planning next year’s snowboarding trip, we’ve had various suggestions already from Canada to Austria so we’ll see what happens.
The getaway that I’m looking forward to the most is Mallorca next month. I’m fortunate enough to have one of my best friends, who’s also like an older brother to me, living in Palma. He would like me to go out there as much as I can but the bank balance isn’t that healthy nor do I have enough holidays from work. I try and go out there twice a year. I digress, the reason I’m excited about next month is he’s having a baby. So exciting times for all and I’ll get some good quality beach time.
It’s not even been 6 months into the New Year and I’ve already had many ups and downs, more than one would like to have. I’d rather live a boring life of a recluse… That’s a lie, I’d get bored. Who cares I’m young, well young at heart at least.
This year has been the opposite of last year so far. The first part of last year was amazing, some of the best 6 months of my life, Barcelona, The French mountains, being surrounded by my nearest and dearest, the latter part was horrible. The rest of this year sounds exciting on paper. Let’s see what the future holds.
I’ve always loved tattoos but never wanted to get one on myself. Last year a friend of mine gave me some semi permanent tattoos from an American company called Ink Box. These tattoos last about 2 weeks and I fell in love with them straight away.
What I came to realise was choosing the right tattoo is really hard, even though my one was only going to last 2 weeks. Although Ink Box has a wide selection of tattoos not much actually stands out and the ones that do I’ve already worn. Currently I’m undecided between the Avengers logo, a Wolf or a Harry Potter one which you can see below. Who knows my growing love for tattoos might even sway me to get a permanent one.
What did music mean for me or what connotations did it hold for me? The beat, that’s all it was for a while. That was until I went through certain experiences in my life when I actually started to listen to the actual words of the song.
Up until then it meant nothing. It’s not until you’ve been through certain life experiences that you can truly understand a song. Whether its hip hop, country, jazz, pop etc. Its not until then that those words hold meaning. It’s when those songs hold meaning that you choose to cherish and hold them dear. For me it was after my breakup. They help you come to terms with situations in your life. They help you overcome those experiences. They help you become stronger and offer guidance from places you didn’t expect from people you didn’t expect.
I read an article earlier that Adele had broken up with her husband and was going back to writing. Which she said she was done from. She once said something along the lines of and don’t quote me on this, I only write songs when I’m sad, when I’m happy I’m enjoying life.
I’m attaching an album cover from Shawn Mendes’s last album, can you figure out which song hit home for me? Album was released last year.
“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man.”
After my last blog I decided to read Paul Coelho’s the Alchemist again. All those years ago when I read it last I underlined the above quote.
What’s done is done and what will be will be. There’s no point in fretting over the past or what is to come. Make the most of what is happening in the now. We all get lost at some point, hopefully not for too long. Take the opportunities to fix what may have broken or do something that you’ve been putting off. Before long it will be too late and the opportunities would have been missed.
We’re only human at the end of the day, we always know what to say to other people to help them out but can never do the same for ourselves. Taking advice from other people is not always a good thing or following your heart and vica versa. You need to find the balance and figure out what’s best for you.
This was probably the first book I read after school. One which I wanted to read. It wasn’t forced or anything, something I chose to do willingly in my free time. Once I picked it up I couldn’t put it down until it was finished.
The quote below was one of the things I took away from the writings of Paul Coelho. I went on to read a couple more of his books but for a while that quote resonated with me, several years in fact
I still like to believe in this quote. The innocence inside of it. The hope in humanity.